My Life Joy
It’s funny to me. I’ve known you for over a year, and I’ve experienced almost every emotion with you.
I started out hating you, thinking you were a pig.
I gave you chance, and found out that I couldn’t have been more wrong.
You were dating my best friend, and couldn’t help but notice the feelings I had for you were growing and changing.
We dated, and I gave up my best friend for you.
We broke up, and my life spiralled downwards.
When we broke up, I felt like I couldn’t move forward. I felt like I’d lost my other half. Yep, we only dated for 3 months but there was something in you that I fell for instantly. I’ve felt heart break before, but this was an entirely new feeling. I cried all of Christmas day. I looked at my brother and his fiancée and I saw everything I ever wanted right in front of me, yet it had never been so far away. It felt like I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t feel anything but a burning despair and emptiness. All I could do was cry for months and months. I wished everyday that I’d never met you because no one person could be worth the pain I felt. You just continued on with your life, oblivious to the pain I felt and that made me cry even more. I thought the pain would never cease.
But then, time passed and we started talking again. Of course, my feelings were still there and even though I was happy I was talking to you again, I was also hurting because there was nothing more that I wanted than to tell you I loved you. But at least you were back in my life.
And now, I think about how things are today. We broke up just over a year ago, my heart has been placed back together and I feel whole.
You are my best friend.
You make me smile.
You make me laugh.
You keep me level.
You let me cry when I need to.
You’re there for me in a heartbeat.
Of course we fight, but we get over it right away.
I have no secrets from you.
You know everything about me. I mean everything.
You’re the first person I think of in the morning, my last thought before I go to sleep, and you usually star in all my dreams.
You’re the most important person in my life.
You never bore me.
The feelings I had are still there, multiplied by a million. But it doesn’t hurt anymore.
I think about you approximately a thousand times a day.
I smile when I think of you.
I still get butterflies from you.
I always want to touch you just to make sure you’re actually real.
I get giddy and smile when I talk or think about you.
I love you with every ounce of my being.
You have made me realize what real love feels like.
Spending time with you is simple.
I knew from the moment I met you that there was something different about you that would either work for me, or was completely wrong for me. There is no doubt in my heart that you couldn’t be anymore perfect for me.
If Christmas is supposed to make people feel happy, cheerful and loved, you’ve got that well covered. My only Christmas wish this year is for things to keep going as they are, because what we have is perfect for me and all that I need for now.
Growing and Changing
People come and go. It’s a fact of life. Only on very rare circumstances do people stay in each others lives permanently. I do not know anyone today that I did from 10 years ago. It’s the way of life… people grow and people always change, especially at young ages.
I recently had a close friendship come to an end. I grew, I changed, she grew, she changed. We grew apart. I called this person my best friend for a year, and as far as I’m concerned, at this age when I’m growing and changing slightly everyday, a year is a long time.
I think back to it, and all I have are good memories. She got me through the toughest time of my life. She was there for me everyday as I cried and cried, when I never thought I would stop crying. She was there for me at work, after school, at the end of my day. She was there when we travelled to Mexico and had the best week of my life. She was there when we went to Sweden and France, leaving me with some of the best memories of my life that I will never forget.
Then summer ended and school started again. I went into my second last semester, and drowned in work. I made goals for my future and figured out what I wanted to do. I changed. And with that change, so did our friendship. We drifted apart and feelings changed. I never resented her or hated her or had anything bad to say, but the flame that was once there vanished. I didn’t want it to; I still loved her as a person. But my brain was stronger than my heart on this one, and unfortunately there was nothing I could do to stop it.
She got mad at me because I didn’t see her often, and I understood this. Every single one of my friends was mad with me. I disappeared off the face of the earth for everyone. I drowned in schoolwork. Yea, life is about finding a balance. But there’s times where the balance is off, and I know my last year is going to be unbalanced. Doing 25 hours of class in 4 days plus homework while living in another city and then coming home for the other 3 days and working all of them left me exhausted. So all I did was sleep when I had a moment. All my relationships have been strained.
And then I snapped. Snapped because of the strain on my shoulders. I don’t have the energy to fight, so instead I choose to walk away. I give up because I have too much on my plate to deal with already. I stop caring about anything that causes me stress.
I was not rude to her; I was blunt. I am a blunt person. I say things straight up, and sometimes it backfires like this did. I left the ball in your court. I didn’t want to hurt you, but obviously I did. I didn’t want things to end awkwardly because we work together and I still think you’re a good person, but that feeling was not mutual.
I leave the ball in your court. You choose what you want. I meant it when I said we drifted apart, and I assume you know what I mean by that since you went through the same thing not too long ago but were in my position.
If you choose I am not a person you want in your life, then here is the final thing I have to say
Thank you for the memories that will last me a life time.
So Sick
I am so sick of love. I am so sick of the feelings it has brought me. I love so deep, and when that love is taken away from me, it tears away at my heart. I can deal with a sore back or a throbbing, bleeding cut. I cannot deal with a broken heart.
I have realized that there are 4 things I have loved on this earth that have caused me no harm: my parents, my brother and my dog. They are symbols of love and purity in my life. They have never done me wrong.
I think to all the times I’ve been heartbroken, and for a 20 year old I feel like I have experienced it too much. Breakups, losses, failures. All of it. It hurts so much more than any words justify.
I am scared to love again. I have lost faith in wholesome love. I don’t know where I go wrong or what I do wrong, but I just want an honest never ending love. Like my brother and his fiancée have. I would give an arm for that. I want to put my heart on the line 100%, no strings attached or anything holding me back, and never get hurt. I don’t think I am asking for much.
I am so sick of hurting and losing.
Hey You
Sometimes I get the feeling that I don’t fit in. Sometimes I feel like I live in the wrong place, or I am leading the wrong lifestyle. I live in a boring city. Brampton. Really, there’s nothing exciting about this place. It is a big city filled with nothing but houses and lame people. Lame sights. I feel like I am the wrong kind of person to be. I kinda feel trapped by where it is I was placed on this earth. Don’t get me wrong, I live in a beautiful home in a great neighbourhood with the best family anyone could hope for and I’m grateful for it. But after travelling this summer to broader places, I’ve realized that Brampton is not what I want.
Thinking of the world excites me. Thinking of Europe and South America gets my blood pumping a little faster. Thinking of the mountains to my west and the ocean to my right makes me want to see it. I’ve done a lot of thinking this past week, and I’ve come to the conclusion that when I’m done school, which is in April, I want to see a lot more of this Earth. So I have decided I’m working on a cruise ship.
I kinda worry about it because I don’t want to go work abroad for a couple years, and when I come back home life has continued on while my life was paused for a time. I don’t want my friends to have moved on and forgotten about me. I don’t want him to find a girl who steals his heart and gives up on me. That thought scares me the most out of everything. I wish I could take his heart with me in my pocket so that it belongs no one but me.
Thinking about anything but Brampton is what wakes me up and drag my sorry ass into that pet store to deal with the bitching customers. They’re my ticket to the world, and if it means having to put up with people complaining and relentless stupid questions, I will endure it because I will do anything to see this world. That possibility makes me hold my head high and smile at the things that bother me because I know I won’t have to deal with them for many more days. Hello not too distant world
Love Kills
Today I came to a realization about love. I think that love is the most powerful emotion in this world. It is what gives us those butterflies in the pits of our stomachs, those smiles when we wake up and feel that happy bliss, and that feeling that is indescribable. But I have also learned today that love is also a tragedy. Love can bring about the worst feelings known to me. Breaking up, feeling that feeling that your heart will never mend again and be whole and capable of another love. Losing someone that you loved with all of your being. I have realized that love is not always butterflies and sunny days. Love can be painful, stinging, empty and a tragedy. Something that despite how much time elapses, there are some loves that don’t dull with time and some that never leave.
I have learned today that love is what kills. Animals die of broken hearts. I have seen it. I have heard about it. Two animals who were raised together as brother and sister, one dies of old age and the other just lets go because they lost the centre of their universe. I feel like I have had a core of my universe stolen from me. My love for an animal is what physically, mentally and emotionally is wrecking me. I have always been an intense person. When I feel something, I feel it with every ounce of my being. When I am happy, I am on top of the world. When I am mad, stay away from me. When I fall in love, I fall fast and hard. When I lose, I lose the desire to be present in this world.
Today I have learned a new lesson. Love never dies. A love I had once upon a time is never gone. Love is eternal, unbreakable and immortal. My love is the purest kind: unwavering, flawless and the kind that people hope to receive for lifetimes. My love for the world around me is undeniable. My love for the humans, animals and objects that surround me is immeasurable.
Some days love is painful and unavoidable. I can take physical pain. I can take verbal abuse. However I can not take a broken heart or a feeling of loss. The love I feel throbs through my veins, and as much as it hurts it is what keeps me alive and compassionate.
Momma’s Girl ♥
I have lost. I have lost one of the biggest part of my life. The one who I clung to when I was going through a rough time. The one who sat on my chest when I felt down. The one who took naps with me at Seneca. The one who rode the bus home with me back to Brampton. The one who was there as I went through two relationships and two heartbreaks. The one who put a smile on my face and my good days turn into great days. The one who never acted meanly and was a jewel to know. Bindi was her name. She was my angel who I blessed with on this earth.
I want to pay a tribute to her. Pay a tribute to the girl who made my days brighter. But I’m lost for words. I can’t say bye to her in a way that does it right. All I can say is I love you so much and every second of the last year and a half were the best I could I ever hope for. I hope I gave you everything you needed. I hope your short, stolen life was a happy one. I hope you know how much I love you.
My heart is shredded into a million pieces right now. I hope that you went peacefully and without pain. You will live on inside me forevermore, as I will always carry you around with me in my heart and mind. One day my tears will turn into smiles because all I have of you are happy memories.
Bindi Loo I will never forget you. You brightened up not only my days, but everyone’s who knew you. You were my little angel and you will forever be in my heart as long as I shall live. I love you more than any words could justify.
Rest peacefully baby girl. ♥
01.01.2008~07.24.2009
Unhealthy Obsession
I listen to that stupid song. All the time. Don’t stop believing by Journey. Because you listened to it the first time I hung with you and I thought what a loser you were for finding enjoyment in a song like that. That song has now become a haunting ghost of my past with you that I welcome in a demented way. It follows me everywhere. When I go to a bar and find a person attractive and charismatic, your song plays. And so ends the possibility of pushing you away from my mind for ten minutes or getting to know this person. It’s like a weapon that is deployed on me and renders me incapable of the thought of anyone but you.
Now I listen to that song because it brings back the painfully happy memories of you that feel so long ago.
Dont stop believing, hold onto that feeling.
Good lord.
Fate and Destiny
Tonight I had the big conversation about fate. A topic that I usually try avoiding because I know that there are so many different viewpoints on it and for me personally, it is a touchy subject. Not one that I like to get into deeply because for me personally, it is a big deal.
Personally, I think that from the second we are conceived, we have a path laid out for us. Whether it is a long life, filled with adventures and triumphs, or a life that lasts merely weeks. I believe that we have our path laid out before us and we follow it. Yes, I do believe in free will and being able to make our own choices, but if what we might see as straying from the path by doing something spontaneous, I do believe that it also a part of our path. I think that every action we act and every word we speak is predetermined and we can’t do anything to change it.
I believe in fate and destiny for several reasons. Firstly, I prefer living a life with no regrets. Everything we have done or said was something that at one point or another was significant to us, and therefore it should not be regretted. An angry outburst, a hurtful statement, a love that once seemed real and amazing but turned out to be a dismal depressing memory. All things that once upon a time meant something to us, and therefore are not worthy of being regretted.
Secondly, I believe in fate because when I personally look back on the last 5 years of my life, I see things that shaped who I am today because they tested me. I think that they were out there for a reason, and I never question it. Whether it is a heartbreak, a lost friend, or a bad decision, I think it was there for a reason. I think that in life when we are faced with a challenge or something that hinders us, we have 2 options: learn from it, or not learn and repeat that mistake. I look back on the bad things as learned lessons, and I do not travel down that road again.
Third, I believe in fate because I believe that we all have a purpose. If your purpose in this life is to invent something new or do something to better the lives of other, you were put here for that reason and you exist to fulfill that destiny. If your life turns out to seeming as though it was useless, that is your destiny, but I guarantee that you were not useless. I think that everyone has an impact on several hundred lives, and that alone cannot be seen as useless. Everyone has a purpose here.
I also believe that everything on this earth was put here for a purpose. The laptop I am using right now was created solely for me and my use. My dog was born in 1998 to bless my life and enrich me in more ways then I could ever have imagined. My brother was created before me to be my rock, my protector, a best friend, and one of the centres of my universe. There’s no way that I can argue the fact that each and every single friend I have ever had in the past or present was put there to change my mind and eye. Everything happens for a reason. I never question that
It makes me wonder though why some people have been put in my life. There is one person who is there now, and I cannot put my finger on why. Is it because I’m supposed to have inner battles with myself over why or why not I should be with them? Are they supposed to test my durability and breaking point? Are they supposed to make me question why I can’t drop them, because they make me feel so unsure? Am I supposed to be with this person, and how long will I wait for that possibility to come about? Were we driven apart only to test ourselves and find out everything about each other? I don’t know. But I don’t try to question it too often because I know that one day it will be clear as day.
That’s my look on fate and destiny. It’s a huge long topic for me that is hard to describe or convey because no person views it in the exact same way I do. I don’t believe there is a higher power that I have to believe in, in order to believe in fate. I don’t think that there is a ‘human’ who is controlling my destiny and where I’m going. I just think simply that we are here to serve a purpose. We question things along the way of course, but in the end we arrive at our destination, mission completed.
Word France
Hi France
Just thought I’d give you a shout out now, seeing as I’ll be seeing you for real in a few days
Can’t wait.
Distant Memories
All I wanted a few months ago was to stop crying myself to sleep. Stop thinking about you every second of every minute of every hour of every day. It made me wonder what you did to me to make me think about you so much. Think about the things I loved and hung on to.
And now I sit here on this very day, and I realize that you are no longer there. The parts you occupied in my memory have been filed away at last. Not forgotten, but controlled and taken care of. I feel strong again. I feel whole again. I don’t feel like my heart is slopped all over the floor and strung in pieces anymore. I have finally let go of what I held on to for so long.
I still love you. I still wish in a minute part of me that circumstances were different and we could be together. But I trust in the fate that tore us apart and sent us different ways. You are a part of me, forevermore. You have left your footprints in my heart, and no ocean tide will remove the steps. I thank you, I respect you, and I got a friend out of you.
And for now, that is all I can ask for.
I Still Love
A dream is a wish your heart makes.
– Cinderella
Last night I had a dream
We were in a beautiful park. It was autumn. The trees were all sorts of colours, the sun was shining, and there was a light breeze. A perfect day. We just walked along holding holds and everything was the way it is in dreams.
You stopped, quickly spun me around to face you and looked me deep in the eyes. Looked at me and saw everything that was bothering me. Everything I wanted to tell you. You saw the deep emotions that I feel towards you. You saw this and you smiled. Not the kind of smile that is teasing or menacing. The kind of smile that understands and respects all my feelings, and feels lucky to have me.
We stared deep into each others eyes for minutes, not speaking but having a deep conversation. You kissed me slightly on my lips and said “I love you”. We continued walking and I felt at peace with everything in my live. The void was filled.
Then my alarm went off and I opened my eyes to the present and the world that I actually live in. And I realized that still, you have not left my thoughts even one bit. Not even my unconscious thoughts. 
No Go
Today I had a conversation with someone about cheating. To me, cheating is a broad subject. In my mind it is anything you do that you don’t want your partner knowing about. So, in my definition this includes having inappropriate talks, holding hands, kissing, and obviously having sex with someone else.
When it comes down to it, I’m a pretty opinionated person on this subject. I’ve been on the receiving end of it numerous times, with numerous people. It is not a good feeling. Nor is it excusable in any way, shape, or form in my opinion.
I know of couples who cheat on each other, know that the other does, and yet they stick around. This blows my mind. Really, why be in that relationship at all? Obviously you aren’t attracted to the person anymore so why stick around. Why waste your time if your feelings are no longer pure.
I also think cheating is inexcusable. No matter what circumstance you were in, no matter what state, if you did it then you did and now you deserve to live the consequences. I’ve been that person who says “seriously, I’m giving you ONE more chance”. And then that chance turns into another. And another. And another. Until you realize that not only has that person stopped caring about you and totally disregarded your feelings, but you have stopped taking ownership of your own beliefs and self worth.
I know the majority of cheating happens when someone is drunk. I’ve seen it happen plenty of times. Sober thoughts are drunk actions. Finished. So it makes me pity people cheating in a way because they don’t even know what they want anymore. And if you are capable of cheating when you are drunk, it makes it that much easier the next time when the opportunity presents itself sober. If you are that unhappy or that overly attracted to someone else then who you are with, do everyone a favour and end the relationship. I can speak first hand when I say that I’d much rather be broken up with for an honest reason then be lied to and cheated on.
I personally don’t understand the motives behind cheating, and I probably never will. I will never be on the cheatee side of the situation. I could never put that much hurt on someone I care about, and I could never live with that lie on my shoulders.
I know its hard saying that you wont let this happen to you again. That they just used the last chance they had. That you are gone, and they can live their live with whatever it is they desire. Hard, but open your eyes to the situation at hand and put your foot down. Stand up for the treatment and honesty you deserve. And if you have feelings of doubt, I pretty much guarantee they’re spot on.
Heartbreak Hotel
7 Steps to Getting Over a Break-up:
1. Feel your feelings
2. Recognize the signal to move on
3. Use your emotion to move you on
4. Rid your environment of reminders
5. Do fun things
6. Recognize you’re ready to love again
7. Learn from your relationship
This sounds so simple. And doable. It makes me wonder how many people out there have read these simple seven steps, and what they felt about it. Me, personally, I think it sounds right, but how can it be done? How do we know if it’s right for us to move on and forget about something that once enveloped us entirely? How do we know that we’re ready, and it’s what is good for us?
I guess I could say that I’m no stranger to heartbreak. I’ve seen it, and experienced it enough in my life. I’ve seen heartbreak through loss of loved ones. I’ve worked at a vet where it was my JOB to assist in putting an animal down. By far, those memories will always stick with me. I can’t explain the level of guilt I felt in doing it. Yes, it was right for the animal. But seeing the tears stream down a grown adults face was agonizing. It took so much out of me, and it was something I could never desensitize myself to. I am paranoid of the day I am on the other side of this equation, and I am the one with my animal there. That alone breaks my heart at the thought.
I’ve experienced heartbreak too. I know the feeling very well. Indescribable, miserable, and draining. The worst feeling, next to loss. And it seems as though every time it gets harder, and lasts longer. I agree that getting past it has to start with feeling your feelings. Feeling angry, sad, depressed, stone cold, relieved – all of it. Deal with them, and express them all. Maybe share them with someone close to you. But how do you recognize the signal to move on? What if it is the number one thing you believe in, and you know deep down inside that this is it. This is real. This is the best you will ever get because nobody else is imaginably better then them.
Heartbreak is no easy task to get over. Nor can any list be compiled to say how to deal with it. I guess we have to each reach down inside, and decide whether or not we are ready for it, and if it’s right for us. One thing is for certain though: there has to come a time where we stop believing they are the best we will ever have, and that at least one person out of 6 billion could be better.
Elapsed Friendship
I’ve been thinking about a lot of the people in my past lately.
The ones who I will never forget, the ones I want nothing more then to forget, the ones who have done me wrong, the ones who shaped who I am. I always end up with thinking of one person.
I think about past experiences, times we shared. I think about the things that we used to do that made me laugh, the times you were there for me when all I needed was a good friend. The times we got drunk, the times we destroyed smooth lawns. I think about the hundreds of jokes we had, and the stuff we did. I think about the reasons why I called you my best friend. The person I called my sister because I thought nothing could come between us. Because I trusted us completely.
But then I think about what destroyed it. What destroyed the trust, friendship, and good memories. It was so long ago. Oh, how I’ve changed, grown and learned since then. How my whole life has changed. I think about the hurtful things I heard come from your mouth.
Sometimes I have dreams where I meet up with you, and we just talk. I tell you how much what you said hurt me. How it distinctly tore my heart into two separate pieces. How those pieces transformed. There was one half, that was hurt and would cry all the time for my loss. There was the other half that would hate you for hurting me, and letting it come between us.
I tell you how many knots twisted and turned in my stomach when I saw my email broadcasted to all. I tell you how bad I was shaking when I saw it and dialled your number. How hot the tears burning down my face felt. They carried the anger and hurt with them. I tell you how utterly betrayed I felt by you.
I tell you how you made my everyday of life a living hell for a solid month. When all I would do was read notes or hear through other people what you had been saying about him and I. It tore further and further at the tissues of my heart that were still stuck together.
Tore so much that I gave up. I gave up on repairing what was too far gone. I gave up on the false hope that you could put it behind you and forgive, for whatever mistake it was I made. But I know you better then that. I know you hold grudges; that’s who you are. You don’t move on. You let your feelings manifest into every which way until it controls you completely. So I got out.
Got out until I thought it was safe to come back. I tried coming back. I tried putting your stabbing words behind me, and I tried believing that you would put away your thoughts. It didn’t happen. So I left for good.
I sometimes sit here and I think about you. I look at the picture I still have on my wall of you. The picture I thought so many times of ripping into a million little pieces and then setting on fire. But I respect our past. I respect that although we have grown apart, we have an unforgettable past. I respect your feelings, despite how I don’t understand them. I respect your actions; they portrayed your feelings.
At the end of my dream, I always tell you the same thing. You have not been forgotten. You have a piece of my heart, forevermore. I have moved on, but not forgotten what we were. I have not forgotten your biting words. If I see you again, I will smile pleasantly at you and say hi, because I respect who you are and what we once had. But I will want nothing more then that.
Then I wake up and realize I am thankful for that lesson I learned. I would not take back what happened between us.
Happiness is in our Hands
Every day I step out into public, I see countless emotions. Lately, I see happy people, but mostly, I see miserable people. People who let their lives drag them down to a painful level. Sure, there are stresses in our lives. School, family, home, work, economics, politics… the possibilities are endless. But I wonder who takes a step back and examines.
Our lives are not bad.
I think back to the last time I was in a bad mood. It was Sunday. I’d had literally six hours of sleep over three days. And who was I taking my lack of sleep out on? My family. Stupid me. I was taking out something that was caused by none other then myself on someone else. Passing off blame or feelings is easy I guess. But today I thought about that. I was mad because I didn’t have much sleep. Mad because I wanted to sleep in and not be at work for eight hours. Boo hoo.
How many millions of people are there out there who run on next to no sleep, not because they choose to, but because they are forced to. Their living conditions are such that sleep does not come at an easy price. How many millions of people don’t have a house over their heads, food in their bellies, and the luxuries I simply overlook?
I guess that it’s so simple to get caught up in our own tragedies. While I can look back on the time where I was wrong, I wish I could evaluate what was happening right then and there. Change my mood. Step back from what is presently bothering me and change something. I think it’s a valuable lesson that we can all learn.
Life is what we make it to be. We write our own stories.
